4/14/2004
State of the Ferdi Address, April 2004

Answering the frequently asked question: Hey Fer, where'd ya been, how'rye doing?

I guess I'm feeling fine. I know I'd disappeared these past few weeks but I am feeling fine. Just have a bit too much of free time on my hands. More due to my indecisiveness rather than any burden. I have no immediate burden at all, in fact. I have purposefully hidden myself away in my own private corner of my house, in front of my PC, tweaking and nick-nacking this and that, imaginatively tuning harddisk usage, desktop icon placement, scanning for viruses, and generaly shutting out my responsibilities and stuffs.

I've slept a lot in the past two weeks. Checked my mail, checked friendster. Updated my various .plans, though I don't really know what an actual .plan file should be like. Like this one from the creator of Winamp. By the way, Justin Frankel has resigned from Nullsoft. For those of you who don't know, Nullsoft is the company created by Justin Frankel to create Winamp. At around 1999, It was bought by AOL Time Warner for a rumored US$100 million, and the condition that Justin works for Nullsoft until a certain date marked on the contract. More details here.

I've decided to beef up on social marketing before doing any Linux hacking; I would need an actual Linux system for that, anyway. I know, I could just grab a Knoppix CD to do that, and I do plan to do that sometime soon, as soon as I have the money to go to Depok and buy one.

I've also browsed friendster and stuffs, and discovered a writer named Paulo Coelho. How did I discover Paulo Coelho in friendster, you ask? Why from a Bulletin Board post, of course:) I plan on downloading at least one book by him from Kazaa, either The Alchemist, The Pilgrimage, or The Manual of the Warrior of Light. I don't need Veronika Wants to Die; I've experienced its most important episodes in my own life. And no, I don't wanna die, thank you. At least currently:) I want to graduate, get a job, and make lots of money:DD

And since this is supposed to be a sort of State of the Union address, the Union being myself, I should fill you guys in on what I've been doing this past month or so. So, where do I begin?

As you must be able to deduce from my post several days ago, I'd been involved in a campus team participating in an international advertising competition called InterAd. At the time of that writing, I was at home preparing to complete a plans book, the plansbook to be sent to IAA for judging. And just yesterday I heard news from my friend that the entry deadline had been pushed back, so that we really had more time -- that is our team had more time -- than we had thought.

In between the ruckus, I had also fallen in love, had disappointed, had felt myself unworthy, and fell out of love again. No, details are NOT available, I'm not going down that road again:) Of course I should never have mentioned any of this in the first place if I have decided to 'not go down that road again.':D

And there was a time when I[...] suddenly called, or rather emailed, out of the blue, after almost a year of no meaningful contact. Of course who was avoiding whom is very open to argument, but the contact is still surprising more than not. If you are a personal friend of mine and know I[..]s full name, you can imagine the laugh I had when I realised that I have just received an email from I[...]. Ha. Ha. Ha. :p And in case you're reading this I[...], as I have outlined in earlier entries, no hard feelings, m'kay:) And I'd never thought that you would actualy -gasp- get your own email address:p

Anyway, on with the symbolic freakshow. There was one more happening important enough to warrant a mention. A friend of mine broke up recently. She never mentioned it, and I don't have the heart to actualy ask her in person, but I inferred it from a blog entry of hers. It kinda hit me, especially with the other tales happening to me these past few days. But its all good though. She knows what she's doing and he knows what he's doing, and they know each other well enough after these years to know what each other needs. And it was nice to hear from her, especially when she sounds at least kinda fine. Wherever she may be:) She knows who I'm talking about:D

And that's it. The long answer to how I am today. I'm allright, thanks for asking, see you in campus, I'll be in touch:)

Posted at 9:34:32 pm by ferdikom98
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Hard to Starboard on the Voyage to Graduation

She needs to remind me. Not for me but more for herself. I understand her need for recognition, and I understand that she gets justification for her behavior from my own past actions. She has presumptions about how I will act -- which she presumes as irresponsibly, and as never changing -- and she presumes that she needs to remind me lest I never change. And she still thinks I haven't changed from my old four year old childish irresponsible self. Its okay. I completely understand.

But still it hurts like hell. Everytime she twist the knife ever so subtly. How she ask what year it was when I graduated. When she asks me who my thesis guide is. How when I told her 'Mom, can I go to campus tomorrow?' and then she answers, 'Sure, what for? To take care of your thesis?'

All my friends can do all this over and over and I don't feel a thing. Not a single-tingle-subltly-dancing-skin-deep-on-edges bit. But when its Mom... it sure is different.

You know, its easy to ask someone to graduate immediately when that person has been in college as long as I have been. Twenty-fuckin-four years old and still a dependent; cool shit, huh:) Yeah, my fault. Quit my fuckin' whining and start doing somethin'. I know the routine.

I mean, its not like I need money to graduate. There are lotsa ways to graduate without money. Why the fuck should I write something which will require me to get new hardware. I mean, I don't need no stinkin' hardware to turn my box into a Linux box. Of course I need my brother's permission to trash my PC, which means I must find some other more realistic topic to tackle.

But I don't need a Linux box to market Linux. What I gotta get into my head, as my lovely friend would say, is I don't fuckin need to make the software pirates around me -- myself included -- to repent in order to succesfuly market Linux. I mean, I don't even have to fuckin' do anything concrete like that to graduate. I could just propose a creative campaign to be run by a commercial Linux distro/service provider. That's what I should be doing. Just a fuckin' branding campaign, nothing more than smoke and mirrors. And not even as real as that, even. There should be no real-world result required other than a sound campaign to be executed later, if at all.

That's it. Fuckin' A. On to the SWOT analysis.

Posted at 9:24:14 pm by ferdikom98
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3/28/2004
InterAd rant

I don't have much time so I'm just gonna blurt this out rant style, quick and messy. Ten people have worked two sleepless weeks to prepare this wealth of material I have around my neck and right in front of me upon my desktop. Work upon which all of us sacrificed ourselves both physicaly and mentally. Work upon which they now rest their hopes upon. Works which now is left to me to combine.

Feelings have been hurt. Times has been wasted. Efforts have been nihilised. Burdens have been unfullfilled. Disappointments abound.

Its been quite an experience this past two weeks. A lot more than I dare to describe through these words. But one thing for sure, if I dissapoint now I can never look at myself again in the mirror and call me a decent human being. I have crushed too many feelings with my childish imature antics and its getting really, really fucking old.

And with that I begin. Let's rock.

Posted at 10:25:53 am by ferdikom98
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3/15/2004
Bocah, Bocah...

Kupertanyakan rasa.
Dan alam-hidupnya.
Dan sifatnya yang merasuk.
Dan kebutuhannya untuk tercurahkan.
Dalam ketak-berdayaanku menolong diri.
Bahkan ketika kumenolong.
Bahkan ketika ku tak menolong.
Bahkan ketika ku membebani.

Lelahku tak berasal dari sedih.
Masa-masa itu telah lewat.
Cintapun tak lagi kurindui.
Masa-masa itupun telah lewat.

Ketak-dewasaanku menamparku di muka,
ketika kutatap benarnya khawatir Bunda padaku.
Aku tak kunjung tua.

28/11 '03
Pulang dari Cibubur.

to Rina: tuh Rin, akhirnya gue posting:)

Posted at 11:36:28 pm by ferdikom98
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3/3/2004
The Text is Not the Book: saving PC game development through Open Source

I had just browsed Ars Technica a few hours before (actually a few days ago, see note at the end-red), reading their review of Panther A.K.A. Macintosh OS X version 10.3. Its amazing what the Apple team did to FreeBSD 5. Yes, Mac OS X 10.3 is based on FreeBSD, an open source OS, although the resulting code is copyrighted. And as is the case with the iMac, the original and titanium iBooks, the iCube, the iPod, etc. (you get the idea), the OS X interface is beautiful and functional.

With that in mind I began thinking that open source can save PC gaming. Especially when combined with a Creative Commons license.

My idea is the separation of technology from content. I mean, when people copyright books, they do not primarily copyright the physical-material being of the book, but rather the ideas and images contained in it, including the way that the idea --content-- is presented.

OK, now lets try to systematize that argument (or at least let me systematize my idea into a logically traceable argument). First, FreeBSD is an open-source operating system developed by a group of hackers, called the Berkeley Software Distribution, that went to UC-Berkeley Computer Science departement (or at least most of the original developers did). Its development has been from the beginning -- and for the most continues to be -- developed by hackers for hackers. FreeBSD User interface for the most part is developed only to be just barely usable, and not necessarily aesthetically pleasing.

While Apple computers since the beggining of its Macintosh line in 1984 has continued to focus on style and layman usability. They developed the first graphical user interface -- with the help of Xerox' Palo Alto Labs and (believe it or not) Microsoft. When Steve Jobs returned to Apple in 1996 (if Iím not mistaken), he got the company back to the roots that he had originally envisioned for the company, that being the makers of human PCs. And sometime in the year 2000, he made a crucial decision to merge the industrial design skills of Apple with the open-source community's code robustness with the release of Mac OS X 10.0. Although off to a rocky start, the latest release has resulted in a (subjectively) very stable operating system with a very artistic industrial design. Jobs managed to start an artistic project with -- relatively -- free technology, thus focusing on the design while harnessing the help of the BSD community for coding.

And that's where we get into PC gaming. The problem with PC games nowadays is its long development cycle seasoned with a liberal amount of target-missing. And the development woes are resultant of their basing their technolology on proprietary software; a team of only 10 is working on more than 10 million lines of code, where most of the coding consists of recreating the wheel. Game developers continue to reinvent ways of rendering 3D environments, and they have trouble helping each other because of their non-disclosure agreements. And never mind the egoism which refuse to recognise that they can use each others' help, regardless of the development house they work for. They canít share code, technology, and techniques, and the main reason is the preservation of their creative design property. So how can developers from separate companies help each other with technology while protecting the rights to their main selling point -- the fun that people had by playing their unique game ideas?

Thatís where separation of Content from Technology comes in. I see this as very possible, although not inevitable (yet). To get the idea, lets get back to my earlier reference to books. The story and pictures contained in books, and also its layout and design, is the content. The book as a result of desktop-publishing and printing-press machines is the technology. Now think of the gameplay and graphic design as content and the 3D engine, memory management, etc. as the technology. If PC game developers can see that the book does not have to be reinventend everytime they want to make a game, and instead can be developed colaboratively with a big community, then they can start to focus on what they do best: creating fun gameplays, beautiful graphic art, and tantalizing interactive stories.

They should copyright the whole package, but they should license the two sides -- content and technology -- using separate licenses. The technology should be GPLíed while the content uses a creative commons license, so that developers can control how, and under what terms, their content is distributed. Or if they want to be greedy or just simply follow copyright law as it is currently applied in their respective countries, they can copyright their content normaly and license it as they see fit.

This should be obvious if developers observe the trends of 3D FPSíes and the licensing of their engines. Add to that the fact that John Carmack released Quake IIís source code under the GPL a while back [link to idsoftware.com]. And also the troubles caused by Half-Life IIís delay [link to gameindustry.biz].

A caveat emptor, though; I canít code to save my life. The last time I touched C++ was in 3rd grade SMU (equivalent more or less to 9th grade in the US public school system). For all intents and purposes Iíve completely forgotten the language ever since. The last programming I did was a very simplistic WordBasic script to toggle the marking of highlights in Word2000 documents. I havenít wrote a single line of code for six moths before that (when I hacked away at DreamWeaver-created HTML for a friend), and practically six years before that. Iím basically a lamer; a hacker wannabe. So I canít say how complex the separation of design from technology can be applied to PC gaming. But its just a thought, and as far as my limited knowledge can tell me its not only possible but also essential to save the PC gaming industry from the ravages of minimalist popular societyís very limited attention span.

Just as the development of Cascading Style Sheets seek to separate style from content in HTML documents, so should game developers begin to separate design from technology in game development. Iím not saying that developers should make their game design less a part of their game technology development, on the contrary Iím saying that game development should identify which part of their code is aesthetic design and which part is technological innovation, so that each can be treated accordingly; the aesthetic towards the focusing of the gameís message and the technology to expand the horizons of what is possible to render. Thus code becomes bloated and condensed where neccesary, and complexity becomes more controlled and systematized. And PC games can start to look cool again.

Sorry 'bout all the missing links in the brackets; this thing's been sitting in the draft-bin for too long and I decided to publish anyway, missing link and all...

Posted at 7:20:12 am by ferdikom98
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LamerDon'tWannaBe.txt

I suddenly had the urge to get back to my programming roots. At least my hacking roots. Here and now, at the edge of my college education.

I guess I don't have the talent to become a programmer. I had been drafted to an international mathematics olympiad team for my when I was in 2nd grade elementary, but as I grow older my weakness emerges: accuracy. But what I still had is a tenacity to tinker with code.

I hacked away many-a-wordbasic code when I was in junior-high all the way to high-school. I learned Pascal in high-school but was turned off by my inability to create pretty things. My middle of the road abandonment left me further and further behind in the technology gap. Now I want to get back.

I can learn a lot from Free Software. I MUST learn a lot from free software. I must rekindle my effort to learn C/C++. I must look at GNU source code. I must learn how OS kernels work. Especially graphical subsystems, X11 and OpenGL in particular. I must learn vector graphics coding. I must make my own personal FreeHand, with its absolute minimal feature a killer pen/bezier tool.

I failed to qualify for IPA because of my overspending time with my 386DX box. That I have felt in the past to be an unfairly illogical situation. Now I gotta get back.

How?

Posted at 7:16:52 am by ferdikom98
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3/1/2004
Rainy day poetry upload

On a rainy day I feel mellow. Especially since I'm listening to the cool sounds of Prambors.

I[...], wherever you are, if you're reading this please don't get me wrong. I never wanted to embarras you, much less hurt you (but of course I was too stupid to know better:0). And I can never, ever hate you, because all I feel and have ever felt has always been in my mind and has always been my creation. You have never done anything to make me hate you. Ever.

You must be sick of hearing all my apologies, and with that thought I had always meant the following to be my last one to you. I can never say that I'm over you and be true, I realise and accept that now. And I also accept that, for all my misguided perceptions and obsessions, we can never be.

Whatever; Keep kool, girl!:) dan,... BURUAN LULUS!!!! hehehehe....

Apologia

Ku berterima kasih padamu
atas cinta yang telah kau ilhami
walau kau tak berbagi dalamnya.

Ku berterima kasih padamu
atas pilu yang tergores dalam hati
berbentu pengalaman indah yang berharga.

Ku meminta maaf padamu
beban rasaku padamu kulempari
walau kau tak pernah menangkapnya.

Ku meminta maaf padamu
kesempatanmu tak pernah kuberi
walau sang waktu banyak adanya.
Engkau benar.
(Kawan.)
Cinta terindah
kala kau tau
ia juga merasakannya.

Dan cinta terpahit
kala cintamu
tak kau ungkap padanya.

Dan kini.
Ku berterimakasih pada Tuhan.
Pada Alam.
Sahabat, Keadaan, Waktu!
Atas pelajaran
yang belum selesai kuselami
akan Indahnya hidupku ini....

Amin.

Kamis, 6 Maret 2003
8.57 bbwi
Kembangan, Jakarta Barat


PS.: Ku juga minta maaf padamu
atas rasa sakit yang kurasa kaurasakan,
walau kini kurasa hanya ada dalam
rasaku saja:)

Posted at 2:17:29 pm by ferdikom98
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2/25/2004
burn

It's eleven o'clock and I'm in Darmanet. I have stupidly agreed to bail a friend out of a GD job. I have smoked half a pack of JarCok. I am tired. I can't draw anything because there's no FreeHand in Darma. I can't complete the GD job, due tomorrow morning, and I'm stuck in Depok. There's no PC where I can work. The one At Lamkun got drenched in water during the past weeks' rain, so its fried. I want to sleep but I'm wide awake. A friend is translating my outline for me. The bill's run into Rp7000 with me having nothing to show for it. I wanna go home. I wanna do my outline myself, at home, with no rush. I wanna sleep but I'm wide awake. But I already said that. I gotta check out. Smoking has lost its magic. But I can't seem to bring myself to step away from this PC. The music's great. Don't know who's singing but the song's great. I'm in the 3rd floor, smoking section. I just keep typing, and typing, and typing, and typing, and typing, and typing, and typing, and typing, and typing, and typing, and typing, and typing, and typing, and typing, and typing.... I just realise its Blink82, or 24, 186, 32, 134, what's their name again? I'm feelin' it.....

I waste my being away.
I waste my BEING away.
I waste my being AWAY.
I WASTE my being away.

Outta here.

Posted at 11:14:04 pm by ferdikom98
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absolut web

Has any of you encountered any Flash-driven Absolut ads while surfing on the web? I encountered my first one applying for a free day-pass to Salon a few weeks ago. My class of '98 has a certain obession with them as I recall (especially you-know-who-you-are:), and as any advertising major should know their creative uses of print media had always rocked. I personally feel that their use of the web is just as creative. Just visit their site.

And I still feel society should be fearfull of marketing:)

Posted at 10:10:28 am by ferdikom98
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You have a dysfunctional family; I have a dysfunctional nation.

A friend of mine was asking in her blog why someone would find it terrible for her to be apathetic about our situation in Indonesia. I was trying to find some reference to answer that question -- mostly for me -- when I found this paper, entitled "Social Fragmentation in Indonesia, A Crisis from Suharto's New Order" written by Vivienne Wee of the Southeas Asia Research Centre (SEARC), City University of Hong Kong. People interested in Indonesia's continued, and continuing, social dysfunction might very well be interested in this paper.

http://www.cityu.edu.hk/searc/WP31_02_Wee.pdf

An interesting argument made in the paper is that the primary mode of governance in Indonesia was, and (this is the interesting point) still is, a system called State Capture (see the paper, page 3).

Of course the paper is a explanative interpretive one; by its very nature it only begin to try answering questions and barely marks any paths of action. But at least it sheds some light...

Posted at 8:37:07 am by ferdikom98
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Next Page

I don't write intellectually. I write expressively. I don't claim to be accurate, fair or thorough. I don't wanna get stuck on certain topics. Though I sometimes do. But not that often. I'd like to expand. I wanna write more poems. But I'll only upload them if they're good. I only rant about my life's hardships if it will rescue just a little bit of my sanity. I'm saner than I make myself out to be, though.

If I am an OS kernel, and I just had a kernel dump, I'd imagine that the text in this blog is what it would more or less look like.

There. Do you get it?

   

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