please ignore my heart

by Veruca Salt
written by Martin L. Gore of Depeche Mode
from the album "For the Masses: Tribute to Depeche Mode," 1998 copyrightゥ1984 Grabbing Hands Music Ltd/EMI Music Publishing Ltd.

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who値l stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
She値l get my support
She will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
She値l hear me out
And won稚 easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact she値l often disagree
But at the end of it all
She will understand me

[Everytime we talk,
everytime we fight,
everytime we look at each other
I know we weren't blood brothers
In the begginning when I was noone
and now that I am
and all that you taught me
and more
you required me when I'm dead
you remind me that I'm wanted]

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and
With every breath
Someone who値l help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don稚 want to be tied
To anyone痴 strings
I知 carefully trying to steer clear of Those things
But when I知 asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
Though things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I値l get away with it

[We come to each other,
We come...]

[We come to each other.
We come.]

A congratulations is in order. Best wishes to You-Know-Who-You-Are-I-hope:)

Posted at 12:50:02 pm by ferdikom98
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Bored of yellow.

Trashed monitor.

Translations undone.

Hangin' at department office.

Floaaaaaaaaat my mind high upon strawbery-marshmallow shake 5 pm dusktime.

Pretty sunset, witnessed through a window, 165 degree angle.

Cheers, buddies.


Posted at 5:57:25 pm by ferdikom98
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My PC; a reflection

AMD Athlon XP 2500+, running at 1,8GHz
Shuttle AN5X, based on Nvidia NForce2-Ultra
80GB Maxtor Diamondstar UATA133 7200RPM 8MB cache
Gigabyte Radeon 9200SE 128MB DDR AGP8x
Lite-On 48x24x48x CD-RW
350Watt power supply
4 case fans
3500rpm variable-speed CPU fan
copper-based heatsink

Depending on from what part of the world you hail from, my PC could be considered quite a killer rig or quite an under-powered economy box.

Whatever; now let's see... 10 gigs for XP, 65 gigs for files, 5 gigs for linux.... or...

So when do I type my TKA?

Posted at 3:05:31 am by ferdikom98
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By God, I just downloaded Knoppix!!!

Yep, that's right folks. Right from the website. All 700 megabytes. All night. Almost six and a half hours. Man....

I just burned the CD. Let's just hope that the image's good. Wow....

I've got Knoppix.


This may not seem like much to you westeners and broadband-owners out there, but believe me it was a pretty gnarly experience for me. A whole CD downloaded all night. Wow.

Like, wow.

Fifteen thousand rupiahs. Plus eight thousand to burn it to CD. You gotta love free software. Especially when you download it yourself. Wow.

I searched Digital Corner. Ratu Plaza. Mal Puri Indah. None of the pirated-software vendors have it. If you want it in Indonesia, you gotta download it yourself off the net. But I guess I did fail to check Mangga Dua; maybe they have it. But then again, maybe they don't. Heh.

Whatever, man. I got Linux! Wow....

Posted at 7:44:52 am by ferdikom98
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An ode to 3636

I get SMS spam from 3636. Its controlled by Satelindo, my cell phone operator. I think I can recall that I actually signed up to its announcement system to get an operator logo or something for my cell. I think I also signed up because it gives love advices or something. But its not a really big annoyance; sometime it can actually be funny. Take this one that I just received, translated from Indonesian for the benefit of our international audience (yes, I'm talking to both of you again:) ...

The first kiss is the important point which can change a male-female relationship forever. Escpecially if done after having eaten Petai beans*

*Petai (pictures here, tech info here.) is a type of beans which is a delicacy in some parts of Java and notorious for the awfull breath it induces on those who just ate some.

But one that I really appreciate receiving:

Confessing your love to him/her is certainly a difficult thing. But your feelings of love must be voiced, however you can. Either through words or through acts.

It came after March 6th last year. Very good advice, I would most certainly say.

And there's another one I received sometime after InterAd:

An unstable foundation for a relationship, such as based on superficial looks or appeals, is not good in the long term and may cause affairs. Because between you and him/her are two individuals which have not become one.

In other words, know someone before commiting to someone.

Posted at 1:55:49 pm by ferdikom98
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Blogging increases brain capacity?

My Blog, My Outboard Brain, by Cory Doctorow on O'Reilly Network.

An argument about the value of blogging. In it Doctorow argues that his blog is an extention of his brain, a sort of mind repository where he puts things he's discovered on the net. Hmm....

And who is Cory Doctorow, you asked? Well, among other things he wrote 0wnz0red in 1999 and won a Hugo award for it the next year...

Posted at 12:43:50 am by ferdikom98
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Fuckin' da tHICK LArd

My mom's fuckin' stressed out and I'm so fuckin' stressed out because my mom's fuckin' stressed out that I wanna FUCKIN'  SCREE EEEAAAAA MMMM!!!!! FUCK YOU ALL!!!

-thank you.



My mom's running for DPR. More or less that's Indonesia's equivalent of Congress, for all you non-Indonesian readers reading this (yeah, both of you:). Her party hasn't received enough votes to earn a seat in her region, that means that its becoming more and more unlikely that she will ever work in Senayan. She doesn't say explicitly that she's disappointed or sad or anything, in fact she smiles and talks a lot, but her aura of disappointment is so fuckin' thick that it chokes my very being. Added by the fact that she acts so happy. Its like ESR's theory of Luxury of Ignorance: its a sin to be so fuckin complicated not despite of a pretty GUI, but BECAUSE of the pretty GUI. When you're gonna fuckin kill the party, please at least be frank about it, you know. I love you mom, I honestly do but sometimes -- despite of all the freedom that you've given me -- you fuckin' choke me to death. Shit.

Must gain logic. Must achieve balance. Must calm down.

This kinda reminds me of PsyWar. Doesn't it? I mean there's never any physical or verbal argument. No visible nor audible clashes of opinion. But its all in my mind. And come to think of it, noones actually fighting. Its just me getting sad because mom's sad, me getting angry because mom's angry. Me getting crazy because mom's getting crazy.

Only thing I can do is pray, pray that she prays, and that God gives her peace, and/or whatever he deems she needs, for her prayers. I always thought that she's the one closer to Him, but of course I should remember that doesn't make her superhuman. She's always relied on God for her troubles, and it has carried her in her career of servitude of Him. I've tend to always had faith in her, because I have faith in Him, at least His existence and wrath and justice. My mom's just going through tough times. She'll be fine. I'll be fine.

Oh, back to PsyWar:), short for Psychological Warfare. Its the act of conflict where the primary tools of aggression are the creation and modification of the psycho-social environments among which the combatants reside. At least by my definition. I just had a thought, you know, like, I once read about the side effects of PsyWar tactics in advertising and how the ubiquity of media (that is how its very hard for us to find a moment of peace when we're not at least passively and unintentionally listening to a radio or watching a TV or have a billboard/poster/pamphlet shoved down our throat and into our face, or the other way around vice versa), and how it has made it very hard for the common human to have an original thought where decision processes resulting in the person's opinion is solely his/her own. Mindfuck, using AdBuster's terminology.

You know something, Bob James plays nice jazz...
Oh, oh, and listen to Norah Jones man! With the Charlie Huter Quartet! Damn... So, sooo smooth...

Whatever, thank you for listening to my rant. Oh, and excuse my french:)

Postscript: I just talked to my mom, she seems much better. She was just kinda dizzy this morning. Thank god:)

More Than This
Charlie Hunter Quartet feat. Norah Jones
from "Songs From the Analog Playground"
Written by Bryan Ferry

I could feel at the time
There was no way of knowing
Fallen leaves in the night
Who can say where they´re blowing
As free as the wind
And hopefully learning
Why the sea on the tide
Has no way of turning

More than this
There is nothing
Oh more than this
You tell me one thing
More than this
You know there's nothing
It was fun for a while
There was no way of knowing
Like a dream in the night
Who can say where we´re going
No care in the world
And maybe I´m learning
Why the sea on the tide
It has no way of turning

More than this
You know there is nothing
Oh more than this
You tell me one thing
More than this
There is nothing

More than this
You know there is nothing
Much more than this
You tell me one thing
More than this
There is nothing
More than...

Posted at 12:46:29 pm by ferdikom98
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State of the Ferdi Address, April 2004

Answering the frequently asked question: Hey Fer, where'd ya been, how'rye doing?

I guess I'm feeling fine. I know I'd disappeared these past few weeks but I am feeling fine. Just have a bit too much of free time on my hands. More due to my indecisiveness rather than any burden. I have no immediate burden at all, in fact. I have purposefully hidden myself away in my own private corner of my house, in front of my PC, tweaking and nick-nacking this and that, imaginatively tuning harddisk usage, desktop icon placement, scanning for viruses, and generaly shutting out my responsibilities and stuffs.

I've slept a lot in the past two weeks. Checked my mail, checked friendster. Updated my various .plans, though I don't really know what an actual .plan file should be like. Like this one from the creator of Winamp. By the way, Justin Frankel has resigned from Nullsoft. For those of you who don't know, Nullsoft is the company created by Justin Frankel to create Winamp. At around 1999, It was bought by AOL Time Warner for a rumored US$100 million, and the condition that Justin works for Nullsoft until a certain date marked on the contract. More details here.

I've decided to beef up on social marketing before doing any Linux hacking; I would need an actual Linux system for that, anyway. I know, I could just grab a Knoppix CD to do that, and I do plan to do that sometime soon, as soon as I have the money to go to Depok and buy one.

I've also browsed friendster and stuffs, and discovered a writer named Paulo Coelho. How did I discover Paulo Coelho in friendster, you ask? Why from a Bulletin Board post, of course:) I plan on downloading at least one book by him from Kazaa, either The Alchemist, The Pilgrimage, or The Manual of the Warrior of Light. I don't need Veronika Wants to Die; I've experienced its most important episodes in my own life. And no, I don't wanna die, thank you. At least currently:) I want to graduate, get a job, and make lots of money:DD

And since this is supposed to be a sort of State of the Union address, the Union being myself, I should fill you guys in on what I've been doing this past month or so. So, where do I begin?

As you must be able to deduce from my post several days ago, I'd been involved in a campus team participating in an international advertising competition called InterAd. At the time of that writing, I was at home preparing to complete a plans book, the plansbook to be sent to IAA for judging. And just yesterday I heard news from my friend that the entry deadline had been pushed back, so that we really had more time -- that is our team had more time -- than we had thought.

In between the ruckus, I had also fallen in love, had disappointed, had felt myself unworthy, and fell out of love again. No, details are NOT available, I'm not going down that road again:) Of course I should never have mentioned any of this in the first place if I have decided to 'not go down that road again.':D

And there was a time when I[...] suddenly called, or rather emailed, out of the blue, after almost a year of no meaningful contact. Of course who was avoiding whom is very open to argument, but the contact is still surprising more than not. If you are a personal friend of mine and know I[..]s full name, you can imagine the laugh I had when I realised that I have just received an email from I[...]. Ha. Ha. Ha. :p And in case you're reading this I[...], as I have outlined in earlier entries, no hard feelings, m'kay:) And I'd never thought that you would actualy -gasp- get your own email address:p

Anyway, on with the symbolic freakshow. There was one more happening important enough to warrant a mention. A friend of mine broke up recently. She never mentioned it, and I don't have the heart to actualy ask her in person, but I inferred it from a blog entry of hers. It kinda hit me, especially with the other tales happening to me these past few days. But its all good though. She knows what she's doing and he knows what he's doing, and they know each other well enough after these years to know what each other needs. And it was nice to hear from her, especially when she sounds at least kinda fine. Wherever she may be:) She knows who I'm talking about:D

And that's it. The long answer to how I am today. I'm allright, thanks for asking, see you in campus, I'll be in touch:)

Posted at 9:34:32 pm by ferdikom98
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Hard to Starboard on the Voyage to Graduation

She needs to remind me. Not for me but more for herself. I understand her need for recognition, and I understand that she gets justification for her behavior from my own past actions. She has presumptions about how I will act -- which she presumes as irresponsibly, and as never changing -- and she presumes that she needs to remind me lest I never change. And she still thinks I haven't changed from my old four year old childish irresponsible self. Its okay. I completely understand.

But still it hurts like hell. Everytime she twist the knife ever so subtly. How she ask what year it was when I graduated. When she asks me who my thesis guide is. How when I told her 'Mom, can I go to campus tomorrow?' and then she answers, 'Sure, what for? To take care of your thesis?'

All my friends can do all this over and over and I don't feel a thing. Not a single-tingle-subltly-dancing-skin-deep-on-edges bit. But when its Mom... it sure is different.

You know, its easy to ask someone to graduate immediately when that person has been in college as long as I have been. Twenty-fuckin-four years old and still a dependent; cool shit, huh:) Yeah, my fault. Quit my fuckin' whining and start doing somethin'. I know the routine.

I mean, its not like I need money to graduate. There are lotsa ways to graduate without money. Why the fuck should I write something which will require me to get new hardware. I mean, I don't need no stinkin' hardware to turn my box into a Linux box. Of course I need my brother's permission to trash my PC, which means I must find some other more realistic topic to tackle.

But I don't need a Linux box to market Linux. What I gotta get into my head, as my lovely friend would say, is I don't fuckin need to make the software pirates around me -- myself included -- to repent in order to succesfuly market Linux. I mean, I don't even have to fuckin' do anything concrete like that to graduate. I could just propose a creative campaign to be run by a commercial Linux distro/service provider. That's what I should be doing. Just a fuckin' branding campaign, nothing more than smoke and mirrors. And not even as real as that, even. There should be no real-world result required other than a sound campaign to be executed later, if at all.

That's it. Fuckin' A. On to the SWOT analysis.

Posted at 9:24:14 pm by ferdikom98
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InterAd rant

I don't have much time so I'm just gonna blurt this out rant style, quick and messy. Ten people have worked two sleepless weeks to prepare this wealth of material I have around my neck and right in front of me upon my desktop. Work upon which all of us sacrificed ourselves both physicaly and mentally. Work upon which they now rest their hopes upon. Works which now is left to me to combine.

Feelings have been hurt. Times has been wasted. Efforts have been nihilised. Burdens have been unfullfilled. Disappointments abound.

Its been quite an experience this past two weeks. A lot more than I dare to describe through these words. But one thing for sure, if I dissapoint now I can never look at myself again in the mirror and call me a decent human being. I have crushed too many feelings with my childish imature antics and its getting really, really fucking old.

And with that I begin. Let's rock.

Posted at 10:25:53 am by ferdikom98
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Next Page

I don't write intellectually. I write expressively. I don't claim to be accurate, fair or thorough. I don't wanna get stuck on certain topics. Though I sometimes do. But not that often. I'd like to expand. I wanna write more poems. But I'll only upload them if they're good. I only rant about my life's hardships if it will rescue just a little bit of my sanity. I'm saner than I make myself out to be, though.

If I am an OS kernel, and I just had a kernel dump, I'd imagine that the text in this blog is what it would more or less look like.

There. Do you get it?


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